From Chapter 8 of "Please Stop Laughing at Me..."

From Chapter 8 of Please Stop Laughing at Me...

"I'm aware that being different is a social death warrant when you're fourteen. I didn't choose to be different any more than someone chooses to be gay or tall. You don't get to pick who you are in this life, but you can decide what you become. The popular kids like A.J. and Nadia, who are often so cruel, aren't bad people. They're just afraid of being alone. I think they sometimes secretly envy those of us who are different, not because they want to be outcasts too, but because they wish they didn't feel forced to sacrifice their strength of character in order to be accepted by the group. Some of the meanest kids in school are probably compassionate and sensitive on the inside, but they know that in order to be accepted, they have to be willing to be cruel once in a while. It's like flexing your muscles when you're a bodybuilder. You do it to reassure yourself that it's all been worth it.

Though I comprehend the dynamic of what's going on, it doesn't make it any easier to endure. In fact, it makes it harder. It's sophomore year. I'm more down on myself than ever because now I know the reasons I'm getting rejected, but I'm still unable to fix things--and that must mean I'm an even bigger failure than I thought. I hate who I am. I don't want to be this person anymore. My parents keep telling me that one day fierce individuality will pay off, that I'll be someone important, that my innate leadership skills will enable me to do great and wondrous things. What a crock. Who cares about all that stuff, if right now, when I look in the mirror, I loathe who I see? Parents and teachers focus too much on the future. I need to be a normal teenager now, or all my tomorrows mean nothing."