It still hurts

I'm in my twenties and i still can't forget what happened to me from the first grade all the way to high school. I was both physically and mentally abused and it changed how i look at my self . I was mostly bullied by boys and the way they taunted me convinced me that i wasnt good enough or am not pretty enough. I was convinced that nobody would like me and if someone were to become my friend, i would have to question their motives. My self-esteem has been very low since it happened. I have a difficulty trusting people. If a guy liked me, i would assume he was pretending to laugh at my expense. It's happened before. I was in the sixth grade, and there was a boy who at times would come sit by me at lunch and he would smile at me. I later found out it was all a joke. He saw me crying in the library and started laughing. Then he started a nasty rumor about me. In the first grade i was placed in a day care center and an older boy grabbed me by the wrist just because i said "hey guys" to a couple girls who would turn out to be by standers. What's sad is when the weekends came, i considered them to be a vacation because i would at least have two days off from the bullies and they didnt know where i lived. I'm older now but its left an emotional scar on me. I blamed my self for a long time because i thought there was something wrong with me.  I dont want an apology from the bullies. For one, they can't take back what they did. the damage has been done. They took away a part of my life that i can't get back. When you're a kid, its suppose to be the greatest time of your life. I didn't get that time. It was taken away from me. What's already done can't be undone. I guess i'm waiting for this scar to heal. But will it ever?