Cyber & School Bullying
I can't be the only one
Well here I am. I am a 33 year old daughter, mother, wife, teacher and survivor. I survive what happened to me every day. I have to remind my 33 year old brain that people are't just trying to make a fool out of me. That I am worth "it". I struggle with putting my needs first and trusting what people say. To say I am sensitive is an understatement......
I am sure we all found our way to this websight because whe read Jodee's book and we connected to it. I felt like she grew up with me! Especially living in two worlds. One at home and one at school. I was showered with complements at home and horribly picked on at school. I work every day to overcome the scars!
I am a teacher and try to be a role model for all students. I have been able to help some kids who are being bullied by other kids. The thing I struggle with are the adults that just don't know when to say when.....
Hilary
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Daniel Watson on -
Hi Hilary,
I just discovered this forum. It's just what I was looking for. All this was brought back to me by the recent suicides of victims of bullying and especially as a sixteen year old girl in a nearby town just hung herself due to bullying. People here are in shock and trying to understand what happened. It really brought back a lot of old and not so welcome memories.
In answer to your question, no, you're not the only one... rest assured. I'm a forty-eight year old man and I am still affected by what I can only describe as the sheer torture I suffered through day in and day out during most of my initial twelve years of school, starting in Maryland and continuing when we moved to Florida when I was ten. I've suffered severe anxiety, depression and still have problems in social and work situations. I dislike crowds and even when shopping if too many people are there I have to leave. I feel extremely awkward around other people until I get to know them well. I'm always terrified that I'll say or do something stupid and suddenly it will all start again. I know this probably sounds crazy for me to feel this way at this age and long out of school but it's truly how I feel a good bit of the time. With my wife's support I've gone to counseling and am on meds to help with the anxiety and depression and it does really make a difference.
In reading your comments it was almost like you read my mind. About reminding yourself that people are not just trying to make a fool out of you... this often happens to me at work, and how you felt you were living two lives, one at home and one in school with the same experiences in both. It is indeed good to know we're not alone.
I'm so pleased that so much of this is coming out but I'm deeply saddened that it's taken so many deaths/suicides to make this happen. I just pray it truly makes a difference and helps to put an end to bullying and all the damage it causes.
God bless,
Dan
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Permalink Reply by Erin Way on
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I am in the process of reading PSLAM and I am struck by how much we have in common. I was THE social outcast in my school. The girl EVERYONE made fun of and that no one wanted to be with. At lunch I sat alone. If I did muster up enough courage to sit down at a table with other kids, they would all get up and leave the table. Eventually, i brought books to read in the cafeteria so I could convice myself I was alone by choice.
I am 31 and just completed a doctorate but I still worry that people are making fun of me behind my back and that they can't possibly really want to interact with me. I have some friends now, but I have sabotaged so many potential friendships because I don't want to take the risk of being teased or intentionally isolated. I tell myself if I have control over my social world if I purposely choose not to let others get to know me.
I also have recurring depression and anxiety and have been treated through medication and therapy for years to deal with the effects of being bullied. Like you, I still have problems in social and work environments. I can totally identify with feeling awkward around other people and feeling trapped and needing to leave when there are too many people around. I have real trouble getting to know people as an adult because I am scared of what will happen. I am afraid I will let myself become vulnerable and then get hurt again.
I am beginning to change those patterns, but it is really really hard!
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Permalink Reply by Katie O on
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Hi Hilary-
No you are not the only one. I endured daily teasing and insults during my middle school years and only found relief when I went to an all girls high school. I am glad that I found this website because now I can talk with others who understand what I went through. Perhaps we can find some healing.
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Permalink Reply by David J on
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Hi Katie,
So glad to hear you were able to find relief from the teasing and insults you were subjected to in middle school. I was wondering,though, what made the difference at the all girls school? Was there a difference in the attitude of the students, or a difference in the atmosphere of the school, or your ability to create a new identity for yourself, or something else?
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Permalink Reply by Katie O on
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There were a few reasons. One was that by the 8th grade most of the girls grew up a bit and started to defend me from the boys. I also somehow made the cheerleading squad (due to my ability to yell loudly) and those girls also helped me.
In high school, some of the girls from grade school were also there but there was many others from around the metro area that I did not know so I had the opportunity to make new friends who knew nothing about my past. Also, the school was a private catholic school so I am sure that atmosphere helped as well. We also had modular scheduling which meant it was more like a college in that we did not have the same schedule everyday and chould chose some of our electives so I was also not in the same classes with some of the girls from grade school. They also had more interesting things to do besides pick on me (drinking, drugs, parties, etc)
Thanks for asking.
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Permalink Reply by Dinah Ardyani on -
hi Hilary :)
nope u're not the only one. im 23 years old and i just finished reading Jodee Blanco's book and some of the events bring back old memories of my high school life, and moved me to tears. i was not being bullied psyhically, but emotionally. i always sat by myself in the school corridor during lunch hour, and sometimes teachers would find me talking to myself. in class, i rarely raised my hand to answer teachers' questions, and i didn't quite blend in with the rest of the class. i had a lot of crushes on the boys, but they never seemed to take interest in me. throughout my high school, i never had a boyfriend. i was lonely. i dreamed to have a cute boy fall in love with me. but the boys were only dating with the pretty girls :) and when the girls found out that i had a crush on the hottest guy in school, they giggled. one of the hottest girl in school began to tease me. she purposely flirted with the boy i liked. and when i asked her why did she do that? she just asked simply with a smile, to make you jealous. and after some couple of days, the boy i had a crush on had a crush on her. and being a teenager, i felt so weak hearing this news. so i began to think what's wrong with me? and i decided that i am an ugly girl after all, nobody wanted to be my boyfriend. i thought i didn't want to be born into this earth. i was terribly depressed, and was very suicidal. my parents brought me to see a psychiatrist, and i never really liked him. i just couldn't express what i felt. i always smile behind that sad face, and cry in school toilets, cry myself to sleep. on my 16th birthday, i ran away from my house. i raised in a very loving family, but i just wanted to escape from the reality. i just wanted to run away. far faraway. i had no plan where to go. but i just wanted to run. when i started my university, i started wearing make up, and people started to comment how beautiful i am now. from then on until today, i always wear make up if i go out. other people, and even my parents can't understand why i have to wear make up everyday. i never bother to give them the reason, because they won't understand it. the truth is , i want to feel accepted. i believe that my make up has made me beautiful, and i need people's love. i don't want to feel ugly anymore between all these gorgeous girls. but now, i've met a very amazing man. he told me im beautiful without make up. so i began to realize that not all people in this world are that bad...
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Permalink Reply by Misty on
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Hi Hilary, I too am an adult bullying survivor.
I was made fun of, picked on, hit with my own trapper keeper, and a guy even pulled my hair. Being made fun of and being picked on for me went on from elementary school through high school.
That's wonderful that you are trying to help out other kids going through the same thing. :-)
Misty
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Permalink Reply by Greg Haefs on
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Hilary,
You are not the only one. For a while I thought I was the only one who got bullied mercilessly until I found out it was also happening to some others (not that it made it better for me or anyone else being bullied, or made it OK for the bullies to bully). Although it was not a pleasant experience, it's obvious to me that you are using your insight and experience to help today's children. I admire your determination to make a difference in young people's lives and your courage to "return to the scene of the crime", so to speak, to do so. You are definitely "worth it" no matter what anyone says. Sometimes it bothers me that I did not exactly put myself in a position to help today's generation of students and allowed myself to be too busy with my life to help others who have been or are being bullied. You were there to help; I was not.
Have you been back for any high school reunions? This year I made it a point to go to my reunion, and it was a great decision for me. I also made it a point to forgive my former bullies and let them know they are forgiven. They also apologized to me for how they treated me back then. It felt great to be able to talk to them freely and find out from them how they are doing and let them know how I am doing. For the first time ever I was actually able to relax around them. Believe me, those who used to bully you are now also people with families, jobs, bills, debts, and responsibilities. They are not the same horrible, immature people they used to be. Hopefully this will help you overcome this whole idea that people are trying to have you play the fool.
Maybe you have seen some of my other posts and replies on this site, and find it hard to believe that I truly forgave them, but I have. The challenges or remarks I put out there may seem scathing to bullies, but they were never aimed at former bullies, but at those who currently bully others. The intent was to light a fire under their behinds and to put some conviction in them, so that they will change. If anyone browsing this site currently bullies others, I simply ask them to stop, simply because they are inflicting more emotional pain on their targets than they might ever know. The fact that many adults who graduated double-digit years ago from high school are talking about their struggles proves that the pain does not go away quickly. I'm sorry if I was less than gentle in challenging them to change; I am not trying to come down hard on bullies; I am only trying to show them why they should stop.
Keep up the good work and feel good about who you are and what you are doing. I could only wish to have the chance (just once) to speak to today's students about bullying, but I am not a teacher and with family responsibilities I don't think I could criss-cross the nation or globe doing speaking engagements or seminars like Jodee does. Just one chance to put in my two cents would be good for me, but every day you get the change to help your students.
BTW, have a great school year!
Greg
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Permalink Reply by Jean M. Hunsberger on
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Hi Hilary,
No, you're not the only one. I was bullied and sexually abused throughout eighth grade. I did read Jodee Blanco's book, along with Rosalind Wiseman's book "Queen Bees & Wannabes." Although I have been getting help for this and for family issues since I was 28, it all still haunts me, especially since my daughter is now ten.
In my case my mother and sister did everything they could to make things worse. I was the school pariah and my sister felt it reflected on her. Since my mother is an incest survivor, but has never dealt with it, I think she has found it hard to deal with my own sexual abuse. So she and my sister have continually acted as though I were crazy. I had to finally leave; I don't have contact with them now.
I went to my 25th-year high school reunion and saw some of these people. One woman who had been really snotty, is now quite nice. She showed me a picture of her three daughters, and they look like genuinely kind people. But another woman who was nice at first, then turned snotty in high school, is just the same now.
I am writing this while my daughter is asking me about bullies, telling me about her day at school, and asking me about how it feels to give birth (her class will be studying the reproductive system later this year).
High school was better for me because I joined my high school choir, which had a great group of kids. Then my sister joined the next year and stole all my friends, and then people believed her instead of me.
My first husband was abusive, but my second husband (the father of our daughter) is wonderful. He is the love of my life.
My junior high school has done nothing whatever to address bullying. The school district is taking some action, though. But that town is backward (sorry, I can't be any kinder than this) about many things. We moved away, and my daughter goes to a very good school--at least, that's what almost everyone tells me, and so far it's been thus for us.
I hope all this helps. It has gotten better, but I still have a long way to go.
God bless,
Jean
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Permalink Reply by Ginger K on
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Good Evening,
I know this post is a year late, but you are not the only one. Starting from the 4th grade and up to the Junior year, I had been verbally bullied by classmates. I left my home town to live with my mother before my senior year started, so there was significantly less bullying. I had been threatened by peers on being beaten up, but most of the abuse was verbal with taunting or being treated like a disease. The person that I thought was a friend, who was a few years older than me, used to team up with her brother and both would beat me up even though I tried to defend myself. But, like everyone else that posted, I also had projectiles thrown at me or spit hit me. Even after I started my senior year, I was so victimized from past trauma to where I felt alone as I thought classmate at the new school would also torment me.
I still have painful memories about the torment and am currently going through PTSD treatment to help heal from these memories and occasional nightmares. But, I also have spent most of my years working and going to college, thinking that this will help me overcome these scars. Throughout my life, I didn't have many friends due to fears of being backstabbed or rejected. Because I still remember being called ugly, I never sought a boyfriend as I thought I was never pretty enough for marriage even though people commented on my beauty. On a positive note, I did do well in college and am now working towards a Master's Thesis Degree with plans for Doctoral studies.
I do believe that this forum and the "Please Stop Laughing At Me" are great starting points for awareness that bullying, especially in this day and time with social networking, is a terrible act with consequences on both the victim and aggressor. After a recent string of suicides and shootings led by bullied victims, I feel that there should be awareness of consequences from bullying as well as support advocates for victims and former victims.
Well, that is my experience and thoughts and thanks again for a forum,
Ginger
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Permalink Reply by Katrina G. Gomez on -
A year late too, but it's only now I'm breaking my own silence.
You're not the only one. I recently had to have myself evaluated for a major anxiety problem I was experiencing in medical school. It emerged that yes, I do have a lot of issues going on now: dealing with criticism, body concealment, lack of confidence. And I know this is very connected to the bullying I experienced from the time I was seven years old, up until the time I was seventeen.
That's ten years of my life I can't get back.
It started with the physical bullying---that I could deal with, I just didn't have to be there. But when the emotional torment started: the shunning, the cyberbullying, the rumors, the pressure to turn on *my* own friends for the sake of popularity, the backstabbing....I felt my confidence go down by miles. I wanted to hide, never wanted to be singled out or put in the limelight. I was made to feel worthless and a freak for pursuing my passions for writing, for social work, for hanging out with kids who weren't in the 'in' crowd.
I didn't know how much this affected me until I got to university at eighteen. My parents noticed that it was the first time in so many years that I was truly enthusiastic about going to school. Going to a big university was a chance for me to find the people I really wanted to be with, to bond with the friends I wanted to keep---all the while retaining the distance from my former tormentors. I had the chance to create a new life for myself. But the scars are still there.
I know I need healing. I'm almost twenty-three and in medical school now, but there are still words, actions, little things that haunt me. These little triggers send me several years back, and suddenly I'm sixteen again, wanting desperately to be away.
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Permalink Reply by Holly on
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It is very brave of you to look back to your past to see just where all of this anxiety is coming from. I hope you take the time to realize what a major accomplishment this is! As you mentioned you are in medical school and this can do nothing but help you when you are dealing with patients and their families. However, not everyone will see things the way you do!
More Resources
JodeeBlanco.com
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
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- suicidehotlines.com
The Blue Pages of your local phone book is one of the most comprehensive resources available with regional and national crisis hotlines, as well as self-help organizations and support groups in your local area.
KidsPeace National Center for Kids Overcoming Crises
- General Web site: www.kidspeace.org
- Teen Web Site: www.teencentral.net
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